I cannot fathom why, but I seem to be re-living a forgotten memory today. One of absolute mortal fear. I feel cornered, as if the universe stands against me. There's not an iota of reason behind this feeling, not now, not today. Back when the circumstances justified the fear, I recall scribbling something in an email - the only safe zone where I could whimper without being heard. The mail was sent to no one since none would understand.

In a vain attempt to conquer reality, I banished the mail to oblivion. I vaguely recall wondering how - in my cornered position - ready to be ripped apart - I would ever have the chance to recognize a friend in the midst of wolves. Those near to me had given up one me; my friends I could count on my one hand with many a finger to spare. If someone were to walk towards me, was it to be by my side or take credit for the first blow?

In an attempt to protect me from myself, my mind turned on me. While it made me hate most people I knew (They don't understand me - they never will), with the few that I trusted more than I trusted myself, my mind took a different approach. It made me hate myself. I wasn't worthy of them. They had their share of problems too. But they prevailed. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I didn't deserve them. To them, I was a burden. A reminder of how weak they could have been. A benchmark of rock bottom. With their love, they weren't showing concern - they were sympathizing.

I hate lack of understanding. I abhor sympathy. In its misdirected attempt to ensure my survival, my mind was trying to isolate me from those very who could save me.

"Trust no one on the other side."

The deluded state has many perils. Suicide seems logical. Death seems seductive. I tried to convince myself that there was a more logical way out. But it was hard to reason with a mind that's reasoned out reason. It was hard then, it is hard today...